Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tough Skin

I believe when people meet me, they think that I have tough skin.
That I am a feisty person and can handle a lot.
I know I get that from my momma, she is a tough one.
But just like when you get a cut or a scrape on your skin,
when it gets hit again, it breaks open that much easier.

That is me lately.
I feel like I just keep getting cut open again and again,
It hurts worse the next time,
And its like I just can't heal from that first cut.

Isn't it just like when it rains, it pours.
Well for me, when I get broken like this, it is like the gloves
come off and people just start attacking me with their claws.

Hopefully I can heal from all of this very soon.
Please understand, this is hard for me to show
this vulnerability.
I need to be tough.
I don't let anyone except my hubby see this side of me.
Sure others have seen me cry but never totally broken.


I will continue to look to the future and see brighter days.


Friday, June 3, 2011


Have you ever struggled with something?
Something that seems like a catch 22?
Things have come a long way from 3 years ago.
3 years ago I was working full time at a job that I hated, with people that I did not want to be around.
My wonderful Hubby was willing to make the sacrifice with me (and probably tired of me coming home everyday crying) to cut back and allow me to work part time.
Throughout working part time I was happy and satisfied with the amount of time I got with Boogs because it was more than I had in the past.
Now, I am still working part time.
I work in the morning till 12:30.
It was a great job that I fell into and make good money for the work that I do.
There is one problem, now I HATE GOING TO WORK!
Everyday I walk out of the house, leaving my Hubby and my Boogs at home.
Hubby leaves for his work around 9:00 and Boogs goes to his grandparents (which is a total blessing because we couldn't afford daycare and I know he is being loved).
But it is killing me!
I am his Momma.
I should be the one with him in the morning when he is so eager to learn and play.
I should be taking him on play dates with his/ our friends.

If I quit my job today so that I could do those things,
We probably would not be able to pay the bills, let alone afford for me and Boogs to go and do anything outside of the house.
The desire that God has laid on my heart since before Boogs was even born was to be a stay at home mom.
Boogs was a surprise about 4 years early. (No complaining he his here though)
Hubby and myself were not financially set up for me to stay at home.
Now we are working towards Hubby becoming a Pastor and as some may know, that doesn't pay so great.

I just recently realized what all of this negativity comes from.
Before, I was jealous that I couldn't work part time like other Mommy's I knew.
Now, I'm jealous of other Mommy's that stay home all day.
I really try to appreciate what I have but sometimes I forget.
I forget what things used to be like and how far they have come.
I need to keep things in perspective and no matter what,
Enjoy the time that I DO have with Boogs!

Thanks for letting me talk things through with you guys, You have no idea how much it helps.