Is that the right greeting to give, "Hey All!"? I feel like I am reintroducing myself to my best friend who I haven't talked to in a long time. It should feel like normal and we just start right back up where we left off the last time, right?
I can't do that, just start off from where we left off. For a few reasons:
- I am so nervous writing this right now.
- I don't know where to begin.
- I'm afraid that you all hate me because I abandoned you.
A lot has happened in 5 months but that doesn't give me any excuse to not check in. The real truth, I haven't been feeling like myself and I was afraid to show it. I have always told myself (and you guys too) that I was going to be honest and not hold back. Well that is exactly why I couldn't post anything. Because I knew that if I got on here and started to write about something else, it would inevitably return to how I was really feeling.
The truth is, I have been Depressed.
Not in a lay on the couch and do nothing depression (which I have been there before too) but this time wasn't like that. This time it was like I had an emptiness inside of me that nothing was filling. Don't get me wrong, I have had some great days in the last 5 months. We had Christmas with all of our family and Boogs turned 4 (pictures to follow later) so there have been plenty of amazing things to be happy about. My husband has been super supportive and loving. I really don't know if it is possible but I feel like through all of this I have fallen MORE in love with Boogs. He is just turning in to be so much more Amazing than I could have ever imagined.
So the reason I have been depressed is because, I/ we have been trying to have a baby for over 2 years now. We have done many things to get pregnant; the taking of temperature, the ovulation kits, the "lets not think about it and maybe it will happen (but yet we are still thinking about it) method." I have spent many nights crying about it. Finally we went to go see a Doctor about things. He is an amazing doctor. One of the best infertility doctors around. His name is Dr. Sherif Awadalla. As much as I would love to be typing right now, WE'RE PREGNANT, we aren't. We have started a treatment to hopefully help us get pregnant and we should find out one week from today if we are.
I have been let down so many months before and we have been "so sure" that we were before that I can't handle it. I can't explain to you or my husband, my mentor, or anyone else why I can't shake this. I mean I have always wanted to have at least 2 kids but our family wants to adopt so that is a path we are willing to take. I have prayed many nights that God would just take this desire from me or make me pregnant. I know that every thing is in His time, its just that sometimes the waiting is to much to handle.
I write you all of this so that you can understand why I may have been distant. I also wanted to write this in hopes that someone else out there has felt this feeling before and so they know they aren't alone. So, they know someone else has been in their shoes and is still waiting. I have felt alone at times and I don't want anyone else to feel the loneliness that I have. If you or someone you know has/ or is in this situation, let me know. I would love to chat about the struggles and blessings of this whole process.
I know that a baby doesn't have anything to do with crafts or preschool or work but to me it does. It has been with me everyday for so long. I know that there are other methods we could take to make sure we get pregnant, we just aren't willing to go that far.
So I guess now, all we can do is wait.....
and Praise God for what we do have.
Christina,
ReplyDeleteThat is a beautiful and honest post. I think you are very strong in being honest with your feelings and your situation. I wish you and Chris all the best in moving forward. You are a fantastic couple, with an even more fantastic son, and a family dynamic that is very admirable. You guys deserve all the best!
Sending you well wishes always,
Erica Grooms
Thank you so much for your sweet words.
DeleteChristina, I love your honesty. Thanks for being brave enough to express the truth of what you are feeling and thinking. I really respect that. While I have not been in your shoes, and can't completely understand the pain you feel, as a mommy too, I can imagine it is very difficult. I added you to my prayer list. God's plan will be revealed at just the right time, so take courage and peace in that (even though its hard). In the mean time, you are more than welcome to borrow one of my babies any time you want. :) With Love, Rachel (Jessica's sister)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words and your encouragment. It really means a lot. And yes, I will be taking babies very soon! :-) Thank you.
ReplyDeleteChristina,
ReplyDeleteI really admire your ability to be so honest and open.
love and prayers to you and your family.
-Briana Blanchard
Christina,
ReplyDeleteWhat a brave post! Unfortunately, I can understand your pain and emotions. But, I'm also here to tell you not to give up hope, because my son is proof that it can happen. I too also had to faithfully learn that it all is a matter of God's timing/plan. It isn't always easy, but I finally learned to put all my hopes/dreams/plans for the future in God's hands, and only then did I finally find inner peace. As a side note, isn't Dr. Awadalla great? That's who helped take us from a couple to a family, and I will forever cherish him and the IRH staff. If you ever want to chat or vent, please feel free to friend me on Facebook (Ashley Morgenthal). Infertility can become such a lonely and isolating place, and I hope you know that you're not alone!
-Ashley Morgenthal
I waited to post a response because I honestly am at a loss for words. I have not gone through what you are going through, so I will not pretend to know what it feels like. However, just know that my life has turned me into somewhat of an expert on depression and its varying levels. I am always here if you need to talk, or vent, or just kidnap my baby for a few hours, lol.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I could not begin to thank you for what you have helped me through already this year. You are amazing people who deserve all the best in the world. Being around your family makes me a better person. I know when the time is right, you will have the opportunity to raise another beautiful baby to excel at life.
I am here for you, always.